Should I Leave Or Not

The multi-millionaire J. Paul Getty once said: “I'd trade my fortune for just one happy marriage.” It is obvious by the number of marriages that end in divorce that a large number of people are unhappy in their marriage.

Two fellows were talking and one said: “My wife is an angel.” The other replied, “You are lucky, my wife is still living.” Someone has said: “There's no marrying in heaven; that's why it's heaven.” Abraham Lincoln said: “Marriage is neither heaven nor hell; it is simply purgatory.”

Whereas, many may think of marriage as a burden, God intended it to be a blessing. Marriage was intended to be heaven on earth, not hell on earth. God’s intention for marriage was that it be a happy and harmonious relationship. But sadly, many marriages fall far short of what they can be and what God intended them to be. Again, this is obvious in the number of divorces that occur in our society.

In verses 6-9, as we saw in our last study, Paul answers the question, “Should I marry or not?” Now, in verses 10-15, Paul answers the questions, “Should I leave or not?” The word “depart” in verse 10 is a word that speaks of divorce. The issue that Paul confronts in our text is the matter divorce.

The book, “Single Adult Passages,” by Carolyn A. Koons and Michael J. Anthony gave several interesting statistics about divorce. For instance: Between 1960 and 1978 divorce increased 83% for those aged 45-68. The increase was 296% for those under 30. There is now a divorce for every 27 seconds. The median age for divorce (after a first marriage) is 27 for women and 29 for men. The earlier the age of the partners at marriage, the greater the likelihood for divorce. Most divorces occur at young ages, typically 20-24 for women and 25-29 for men.

The book also showed that those most likely to get a divorce are those who marry young, those who have had more than one sexual partner prior to marriage, and those with either less than a high-school education or two or more years of graduate school (least likely to divorce are four-year college graduates). The also stated that those most likely to get a divorce were women who earn $50,000 or more annually and childless couples. Among couples with children, those with daughters are more likely to divorce than those with sons. As well, those who have been married before (50% divorce, 80% remarry), those who had parents that were divorced and those who lived together before getting married.

Let’s look at the passage before us and seek to answer the question, “Should I leave or not?” First, we see:

1. A SEPARATION THAT IS DENIED

Notice Paul’s opening words in verse 10, “And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord…” As we saw in our last study, some of the things Paul says in chapter seven are based on his own opinions and recommendations. For example he says in verse 6, “But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.” However, even though some of what he says is his own opinions and recommendations, it does not mean that what he says is not good or godly. The permission he was granted was obviously from the Lord, thereby his advice was sanctioned by God. The fact that the Holy Spirit included his advice in the sacred scriptures indicates that God put his stamp of approval on what he said. Therefore, one should not ignore what he said, but listen carefully to what he said.

But whereas, some things were said by permission, Paul makes it clear in verse 10 that what he is saying is God’s command, not his opinion. Paul in verses 10-11 is referring back to laws about divorce that God had already plainly stated in His Word. Understanding this, notice the separation that is described.

First, Paul speaks of:

A. A Separation That Is Prohibited

We read in the latter part of verse 10 that God’s command is, “Let not the wife depart from the husband.” As I said earlier, the word “depart” speaks of divorce. The command is plainly and simply, “Let not the wife divorce her husband” and vice-a-versa, “Let not the husband divorce his wife.”

Now the particular word that is used here is helpful to describe the separation that is being spoken of by the text. The word as used in the scriptures is used to describe those who leave a spouse and the reason is not infidelity. The case being described is not a case where one has been unfaithful in marriage.

According to Matthew 19:9, Jesus allowed divorce on the grounds of adultery, although it was not God’s original plan. God’s original plan in marriage was permanence. But again, adultery is not the case being described. Paul is describing a separation on the grounds of something besides infidelity.

What the case is and reason divorce is being sought we are not sure. The one things that is obvious is that one is unhappy and wants to leave the other. Paul states that a separation or divorce because one is simply unhappy in the relationship is denied by God. There are many things that can create dissatisfaction in a marriage. Getting a divorce just because you are unhappy is disallowed and denied by God.

I heard about one woman that was reporting her missing husband to the police. She gave a description: “He’s short, bald, wears false teeth, chews tobacco and the juice is always running down his chin…on the second thought, officer, just forget the whole thing.”

We may live in a society that will grant a divorce for almost any reason, but that still doesn’t change God’s command. Spiro Zodhiates in his book “May I Divorce and Remarry” writes: “Christians may think that because the civil law permits divorce, that is adequate justification to proceed to divorce one’s spouse. One may be led astray by something that may be legally right to do, but morally wrong. Through civil law society has often established moral standards which do not agree with scriptural standards.”

Secondly, Paul speaks of:

B. A Separation That Is Permanent

Whereas, marriage was intended to be a permanent relationship, we see in verse 11 that an improper divorce is to result in a permanent state. We read, “But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried…” God allowed adultery as the only grounds of divorce and if there was a divorce for any other reason, the person who divorced is forbidden by God to remarry. The prerogative of remarriage is not given. There are only two alternatives that are given in verse 11. One is to “remain unmarried” and the other is “be reconciled.” The word “reconcile” simply describes the repairing of the broken relationship. The command is very plain. Either reconcile or remain unmarried.

Again, I remind you that the case before us is divorce for a reason other than what God allowed. If a person divorces his or her spouse on any grounds than what God allowed, they do not by the laws of God, have the privilege to remarry. A judge may allow it, but THE Judge does not allow it. It is a separation that is denied. The goal as indicated by the text is that marriage is serious and binding. Yes, there will be problems in all marriages, but one is to work to solve those problems.

Listen to what Jesus said in Matthew 19:9, “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.” To disobey God’s command is to live in a constant state of adultery.” The laws of God are strong but they are intended to make us take marriage serious.

Secondly, we see:

2. A SEPARATION THAT IS DISCOURAGED

Beginning in verse 12, Paul describes someone that is saved that is married to someone that is unsaved. The example that he gives seems to suggest someone who got saved while they were married. It is not a case where a saved person married an unsaved person. That would also be condemned by the scriptures.

As you imagine, there are a number of problems that can be created in a marriage where one is saved and the other is not. For example, the unsaved spouse may want the saved spouse to go places or do things that the saved spouse would not do because of their relationship with the Lord. In such a case, the differences may lead to such problems that a separation is sought.

But Paul discourages such a separation. Notice first that he speaks of::

A. A Mixed Marriage With A Harmonious Relationship

We read in verses 12-13, “But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.” Not all mixed marriages (a saved and unsaved spouse) are strained and at the point of separation. It is possible that the relationship can be harmonious.

It would appear that in the Corinthian Church that there was some that felt that since they were saved, it was wrong to be married to an unsaved spouse. Therefore they felt they should leave the unsaved spouse. But Paul says that is not necessary. The word “pleased” speaks of each thinking well of each other, agreeing with one another. Even though one is saved and the other unsaved, they still find pleasure in dwelling together. Paul says to both a saved husband, “let him not put her away,” and to a saved wife, “let her not leave him.”

He also speaks of:

B. A Mixed Marriage With A Holy Resource

In verse 14 Paul speaks of the influence the saved spouse can have over the unsaved spouse. We read, “For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.” To put it simply, Paul is saying that the saved spouse is a holy resource in the marriage to reaching the unsaved spouse. A saved spouse can be a valuable tool in the hands of God to reach the unsaved spouse. The testimony of the saved spouse can have a “sanctifying” influence over both the unsaved spouse and the children.

We read in verse 16, “For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?” Whereas, it is true that a saved spouse can have a positive influence over the unsaved spouse, it is also true that the saved spouse can have a negative influence.

Jerry Vines in his book “God Speaks Today” tells about his efforts to win the husband of a lady who faithfully attended his Church. Dr. Vines visited him on several occasions but could never get the man to come to Church. One day he asked the man why he never came to Church when his wife was so faithful to attend. The husband told him, “The only time in the week when I have any peace of mind, any serenity, is when that wife of mine is over there at your Church. The rest of the time she is preaching to me about Church and how I don’t do this or that. I’m not going to lose that serenity for anything.”

A saved spouse can at times be more of a hindrance than a help in getting a spouse saved or in Church. When one lives before an unsaved spouse a compassionate, concerned, and committed Christian life, it can have a positive impact.

Thirdly, notice:

3. A SEPARATION THAT IS DECIDED

In verse 15 Paul describes another situation that leads to a separation in marriage. He describes a separation in which the unsaved spouse leaves the saved spouse.

He describes this as:

A. A Desertion That Is Unpreventable

Notice verse 15, “But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart.” Paul describes a case where one spouse is saved and the other is unsaved. It is a case of the unsaved not being pleased to dwell with the saved spouse and therefore decides to leave. It is a situation that is unpreventable on the part of the saved spouse.

It is interesting the command Paul gives. He says, “let him depart.” The word “depart” refers to divorce. Paul says that the saved spouse not to fight or contest the departure. The words “let him depart” are actually a command and not a suggestion.

It is obvious that Paul is describing a case where the saved spouse is not the blame. The unsaved spouse for reasons not given will not live with the saved spouse and chooses to leave. Paul says let him leave. There is not to be war but peace.

He also describes:

B. A Remarriage That Is Unconstrained

Paul adds in verse 15, “A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.” Marriage is considered as a bond. We often speak of the bonds of matrimony. Marriage in God’s sight is a bond between a husband and a wife. Whenever that bond is broken in an allowed fashion, a person is free to remarry.

As you look in the Bible you find that there are only three ways in which the marriage bond can be broken in the eyes of God: the death of a spouse, adultery, and an unbeliever’s leaving. Any other breaking of the marriage bond is denied as we consider earlier. But Paul tells us that in the case of an unbeliever leaving a believer that they are no longer under bondage. He is saying that the marriage bond is broken and remarriage is allowable. Where God allows for a divorce, He allows for remarriage.

Now it is important to understand the case Paul is describing clearly. He does not speak of the believer initiating the divorce. As described in verses 12-13, the believer is not to leave the unsaved spouse but try to have a harmonious relationship even thought one is saved and the other is not. The case Paul describes is when the unbeliever leaves the believer, not the believer leaving the unbeliever. In such a case Paul says let him or her go, and remarriage is permissible.

All Paul has said is to make us realize that marriage is serious and sacred. Marriage is not to be entered into lightly but seriously, carefully, and prayerfully. God may allow separation in a very limited way, but His original intention was permanence in marriage. That is why it is important to seek God’s will and marry in God’s will.