The Kind of Marriage God Wants You To Have
1 Corinthians 7:1-5

In 1990, Newsweek carried an article entitled “What Happened to the Family?” Listen carefully to a portion of that article: “The American family does not exist. Rather, we are creating many American families of diverse styles and shapes. In unprecedented numbers our families are unlike. We have fathers working while mothers keep house; fathers and mothers both working away from home; single parents; second marriages bringing children together from unrelated backgrounds; childless couples; unmarried couples, with and without children; gay and lesbian parents.”

“We are living through a period of historic change in American family life. The upheaval is evident everywhere in our culture. Babies have babies, kids refuse to grow up and leave home, affluent Yuppies prize their BMWs more than children, rich and poor children alike blot their minds with drugs, people casually move in with each other and out again. The divorce rate has doubled since 1965 and demographers project that half of all first marriages made today will end in divorce. Six out of ten marriages will probably collapse.”

“One third of all children born in the past decade will probably live in a stepfamily before they are 18. One out of four children today is being raised by a single parent. About 22% of children today were born out of wedlock; of those, about a third were born to a teenage mother. Most of us are still reeling from the shock of such turmoil. Americans in their living rooms, in their boardrooms and in the halls of Congress, are struggling T0 FIND OUT WHAT HAS GONE WRONG.” 1

What has gone wrong? There are many factors involved, but the primary factor is that many have abandoned the principles of marriage as given in the Word of God. If there is a chapter in the Bible that gives us insight into marriage it is I Corinthians chapter seven. I would title this chapter, “Marriage by the Book.” It is a chapter that gives us principles for those preparing for marriage, those who are married, as well as those who single and separated.

Notice the statement in verse 5: “…that Satan tempt you not…” As Paul deals with marriage, in a passing comment, he reminds us that Satan is an adversary of a healthy marriage. Paul is reminding us that Satan wishes and works to create situations that are devastating to a marriage. Satan is not an advocate of a strong marriage. He is the adversary of a strong marriage.

The National Center for Health Statistics several years ago reported that between 1900 and 1965 the divorce rate (divorces per 1,000 population) rose from 0.7 to 2.5 and that by the year 1975 it stood at 5.0. In that year the annual number of divorce’s first passed the million mark. There was approximately one divorce for each two marriages, up from one divorce for each six marriages in 1930.” 2

I read about a farmer that walked into a lawyer’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The lawyer asked, “Well, do you have any grounds?” The farmer replied, “Yeah, I got about 140 acres.” The lawyer said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?” The farmer replied, “No, I don’t have a case, but I have a John Deere.” “No, no, you still don’t understand, do you have a grudge?” “Yeah, I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.” “No, sir, do you have a suit?” “Yes sir, I got the one I wear on Sunday.” The lawyer beginning to get frustrated asked, “Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?” “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

Seriously speaking, the work of Satan in destroying marriages is obvious. Satan is like a roaring lion seeking to devour and destroy our marriages. For that reason we need marriages by the Book. Let’s look at the first 5 verses in chapter seven and learn about the kind of marriage that God wants us to have.

First, we see the matter of:

1. ELEVATING MARRIAGE AS A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP

When you look at the subject of marriage in the Bible you find that it is always depicted and described as a special relationship in life. It is a relationship that is elevated above all other human relationships. The Bible speaks of special privileges and pleasures reserved only for the marriage relationship, thereby elevating marriage as a special relationship.

In verse 1-2 Paul speaks of physical and sexual relations as part of the privileges and pleasures of marriage. Notice God’s guidelines about sexual relations. First, we see:

A. When God Prohibits Sexual Relations.

We read in verse 1, “Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.” The word “touch” is the key to understanding Paul’s statement. The word does not speak of the total absence of touch. Some in Christian circles have taught that a couple dating should never kiss or even hold hands. They stress a total absence of touching in any form. The word that is used here in its basic meaning speaks of “setting fire to something, to kindle, to light.” As used here it speaks of a touch that arouses and stimulates. It is a word that speaks of intimate contact that leads to sexual relations.

The touching that Paul speaks of is directly connected to the word “fornication” in verse 2. The word speaks of all illicit sex. In a nutshell, Paul is saying in verse 1 that all sex outside of marriage is prohibited, forbidden, and condemned by God. Paul is acknowledging that there are human desires and passions that can be inflamed and incited. He states that it is not “good” for a person to satisfy those desires outside of marriage. The word “good” speaks of that which is acceptable. Sex before marriage is not acceptable to God.

The Bible is clear in the matter. We read in 1 Thessalonians 4:3, “For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication.” It is the will of God that one be sexually pure outside of marriage and do nothing and allow nothing that would lead to the violation of God’s will.

On the other hand, we see:

B. Where God Permits Sexual Relations.

Paul makes it clear in verse 2 that sexual relations are confined to marriage. We read, “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.” Paul was saying that sexual relations were not to be between a man and a woman, but between a husband and a wife. There are no exceptions.

Such God-given guidelines elevate marriage and make it a special relationship. It is a relationship, as I said earlier, that involves privileges and pleasures that no other human relationship is entitled or allowed. I must admit that such a concept is almost foreign to our society. The message of our society is “Safe Sex,” which in actuality is a subtle way of saying that the priority is not keeping sexually pure but keeping from catching some STD or AID's.

In America we have organizations such as NOW (The National Organization for Women) that go out of their way to propagate their liberal agenda which has at its heart the promotion of lesbianism, adultery, and sexual permissiveness. As a society we are constantly being told that sexual relations outside of marriage are permissible and acceptable. Marriage is no longer elevated but devalued.

“Scene” magazine carried a feature article in the March 9, 1991; issue entitled “Alone Together.” It related that America now has more than two and a half million unmarried couples living together. That is a million more than in 1980.

U.S. News & World Report, October 23, 1995, in an article entitled “Teenage Wasteland” stated that about 30% of teens have had sex by age 15.

The American Medical News said that pregnancy is the leading reason young girls drop out of high school. The AFA Journal said that in our country one million teenage girls become pregnant every year.

The concept of marriage as defined by God in the Bible is not popular in our society. But it does not matter what the liberal organizations may promote or what the campaigns government promote, sex is to be reserved for marriage and only experienced in marriage. Marriage is to be elevated to a place where it is viewed as a special relationship with special privileges.

Secondly, we see the matter of:

2. ENJOYING MARRIAGE AS A SATISFYING RELATIONSHIP

One survey found that of the 5 marriages in 10 that hold together, only 10 to 20% of those could be called intimate marriages. 3

A little boy took a history exam and one of the questions was, “Who was Patrick Henry?” He wrote, “Patrick Henry was a man who got married and then said, ‘Give me liberty or give me death.’”

Someone has said that it has been proven that married life is healthy. Statistics show that single people die sooner than married folks do. So if you are looking for a long life and a slow death, get married.

A daughter that was about to be married said to her father, “But, father, I don’t want to leave mother.” The father smiled and said, “I understand, but don’t let that stand in the way of your happiness. Take your mother with you!”

The sad truth is that many marriages are not happy and satisfying relationships. In verses 3-4 Paul speaks of marriage as a satisfying relationship. In order to have a satisfying relationship, we must understand:

A. The Responsibility Of The Marriage Partner.

We read in verse 3, “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.” Notice the words “due benevolence.” The words actually speak of a debt that is owed, an obligation. The context tells us that the debt that the marriage partner owes to their spouse is the fulfilling of their physical and sexual needs. The word “render” is a command, not a recommendation. The husband and wife are commanded to fulfill each other needs. The marriage relationship is to be one that is fulfilling, gratifying, and satisfying.

In verses 1-2, Paul tells us what we should not do and then in verse 3 tells us what we should do. The husband is obligated by God to meet the needs of his wife and the wife is commanded by God to meet the needs of her husband.

Someone has said, “The problem in many marriages today is the husband and wife are behind in payments.” 4

Someone has said that troubles in marriage often begin when a man becomes so busy earning his salt that he forgets his sugar.

When we got married we incurred more than house payments, light bills, etc. We incurred the debt of fulfilling the needs of our mate. Furthermore the command is in the present tense meaning that the debt is never paid and is a debt we always owe. The length of marriage is to be a satisfying relationship.

We also must understand:

B. The Rights Of The Marriage Partner.

We hear a lot about a persons rights. In verse 4 Paul speaks of our rights. We read, “The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” The word “power” refers to one’s rights.  It speaks of authority. What many fail to realize when they get married is that you gain a husband or a wife, but in the process you lose something. You lose a body.

Paul is saying in verse 4 that the priority of marriage is not one’s personal satisfaction. It is the satisfaction of the marriage partner. A satisfying marriage relationship is when one realizes that it is not their right to be fulfilled but their obligation to fulfill.

Notice carefully that Paul speaks of the both husband and wife. The wife makes as her priority the meeting of her husband’s needs. Likewise the husband makes his priority the meeting of his wife’s needs. The result is both are fulfilled. Marriage is a relationship where it is no longer one’s rights but one’s responsibilities.

A want add appeared in the classifieds that read: “Wanted. Good woman. Must be able to clean, cook, sew, dig worms and clean fish. Must have boat and motor. Please send picture of boat and motor.”

Marriage is not a relationship where you live to get what you want. It is a relationship where you want to give. It is a relationship where you make as a priority the fulfilling of your mate’s needs.

Thirdly, there is the matter of:

3. EXPERIENCING MARRIAGE AS A SPIRITUAL RELATIONSHIP

Notice verse 5, “Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” Paul is still speaking of how marriage is to be a satisfying relationship. He tells us that physical needs of the marriage partner are not to be deprived. The word “defraud” speak of depriving or withholding.

The only exception is for prayer and fasting and even then both parties agree it to. Even then it is to be for a short period of time because it opens the door for Satan to get his foot in. Story after story can be told of a wife or a husband that was neglected at home that led to a breakdown in marriage and the involvement of another person.

But in the verse there is another great truth about marriage that emerges. Marriage is not only to be a special relationship and a satisfying relationship, but also a spiritual relationship. First, we see that there is to be:

A. A Devotion To Spiritual Matters

Paul speaks of a couple giving themselves to fasting and prayer. What is assumed in verse 5 is a couple serious about spiritual matters. “Marriage by the Book” is not only a physical relationship but it is also a spiritual relationship. It is two people yielded as one to God and serving Him.

Peg and Lee Rankin in their book “Your Marriage-Making it Work” has a chapter entitled “Building a Successful Partnership.” They suggest several things that build partnership in a marriage, such as: parent together, make decisions together, plan your purchases together, get involved in the community together, have fun together, and they included in their recommendations that couples grow spiritual together.

Paul’s picture of a husband and wife fasting and praying suggest a couple that is growing together spiritually. The ultimate marriage is one in which both partners love the Lord and as a team they serve the Lord together.

A 1980 Harvard University study revealed an amazing statistic. At the time of the study, one in three marriages was ending in divorce. But they found that when a couple was married in a Church ceremony and they attended Church on a regular basis, prayed and read the Bible together daily, there was only one divorce in 1,105 marriages. 5

Redbook magazine did a national survey and they came up with a conclusion that really surprised them. They found, “The greater the intensity of a woman’s spiritual commitment, the more likely her sexual pleasure in marriage.” 6

The ultimate marriage is a spiritual relationship and the ultimate in marriage is produced by a spiritual relationship. There is also:

B. A Discussion Of Spiritual Matters

Paul says in verse 5, “Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent.” Notice the word “consent.” The word suggests that the couple has discussed the matter and has consented to do so. They have talked about it.

Ann Landers in one of her columns wrote: “The most important single ingredient in a marriage is the ability to communicate. If my mail is a fair reflection of what goes on with Mr. and Mrs. America behind closed doors, most marital problems stem from the inability of two people to talk to each other.”

Tim LaHaye in his book “Six Keys to a Happy Marriage” wrote: “It has been amazing to me to find that many couples settle for a second-rate marriage relationship primarily because they have never learned to communicate.” He also said, “One way to almost guarantee an unsuccessful relationship is to never work at communicating. On the other hand, learning to communicate and developing problem-solving skills can often cut marriage problems in half.”

Communication in marriage is important but Paul describes more than a communication about finances, problems, etc. He describes a communication in spiritual matters. He is describing a couple that prays together and talks about spiritual things together.

“Marriage by the Book” as defined in I Corinthians chapter seven is one in which spiritual things are important and a daily part of their being with each other. How sad that many couples feel awkward reading the Bible together and praying together. The ultimate in marriage is when the spiritual is commonplace and routine even in their conversation.

This is the kind of marriage that God wants each couple to have: a special relationship, a satisfying relationship, and a spiritual relationship.

 

1. Newsweek (Special Edition, 1990, "What Happened to the Family"

2. Single Adult Passages

3. Source Unknown

4. James Merritt, God's Prescription for a Healthy Church

5. Marriage by the Book, Bob Russel

6. Ibid.